This is an education. I’m always embarrassed by the opposite situation: I’m just not a crier. I can only really cry if other people are crying - it’s a mirror response. I have never, ever cried in therapy because my therapist isn’t crying, so I just can’t. I’ve been called out on this by several therapists but they have to go first!
I rarely cry. I used to get smacked as a kid for crying with the phrase ‘if you don’t stop crying I’ll give you something to cry for.’ and then got big time smacked, which made me cry more. So I learnt to not cry and turn it into anger. Probably not very healthy but hey ho. I wish I could cry more, I think it would help.
I don’t think I could hate that parental illogic more. I suppose the reason is that the smacker is so emotionally dysregulated that they lash out but GRRRRRR. It makes me angry on behalf of small Tamsin.
Thank you. I never understood the logic either. I don’t like you crying so let me do something to you to make you cry more. Where is the sense in that? Small Tamsin thanks you and gives you a daisy.
I've been a crier for 80 years. The inability to turn off the water works, even when alone, is a bit of an embarrassment. When I was a psychotherapist I sat in dread steeling myself against joining the weeping client.
Oh wow, not crying in sessions must have been tough. “I’m feeling very moved by what you said” is the response I get from my therapist when we touching on tough stuff.
My counselor may never have joined me in shedding tears, but I have to say I used to appreciate the troubled look she would get on her face when I shared some of my more, er, "moving" stories. Realizing that after all I really had had reason to be upset was a step toward healing.
I so identify with this! An item on the news, a book, a film, music......and that's apart from other life events. If anyone else is in tears, I find it impossible not to join in.
Thanks for these words and images (especially Laura Kalman’s Flourish series - what a discovery!). I'm someone who cries very easily and I love how you described that moment between you and the student - shared vulnerability can be a powerful force of connection.
I loved this! I’m not much of a crier under normal circumstances but I have had a few intensely weepy periods of life - particularly the first few months after the births of my children and later, after the loss of my husband. I found I would well up often when it just wasn’t possible or practical to scarper off and have a proper ugly sob, so I got good at letting the tears fall silently in the middle of whatever I was doing, just to release the pressure. Driving home from the grocery store, in the middle of a yoga class, rocking a kid to sleep, making a sandwich. It helped.
When I was a kid, I used to fake cry for fun to scare my mom that something had happened. My cousins used to egg me on. But the only reason I could fake cry so easily is that the waterworks were always a tinge under the surface. One tiny poke, and out they came. I’m still like that, tears fall, sometimes just a small welling and others a full on sob. I cried all through grad school, women crying in the bathroom happened a lot, and I wished for a world where we wouldn’t have to hide our tears, no matter what the cause. Since my father passed, my tear ducts opened even wider, more time working from home has let them fall whenever, however. I haven’t feared their expression nearly as much as I used to. Even reading this made me well up a bit. Thank you for sharing, truly.
I wrote such a long essay and then got logged out. This is wonderful but please Rebecca don’t shy away from crying, especially in public. I think it’s an important and honest way of connecting with ofhers. I’ve just been moved to tears by the Rothko show in Paris that I came to alone - it’s wonderful and they were tears in acknowledgement of the sublime - we are small and the world is huge, our problems don’t matter. I have also shed a few tears and witnessed others doing so at the Lido and each time it’s been pretty special. Lots of salty watery love to you xxx
After spending years among people who thought (like you) that toilet paper is economical, and "real" paper handkerchiefs unfolding elegantly from a box are luxurious, I offer the term "circular tissue" as a possible euphemism. To be even more precise, some I once knew referred to it as "cylindrical tissue." But I think the first is funnier.
I used to be an easily embarrassed crier and still am at times (work place crying is a tricky one for sure) but I married a man who cries quite easily when we’re at home, watching, or listening to things, and it has helped me enormously. I have such respect for his ability to show and feel his emotions so it’s made me kinder about feeling mine.
I’ve spent most of the last 16 months crying more than I’ve ever cried in my life, and mostly like you in my therapists lounge. As she said to me, there are 52 years worth waiting to be shed. I’ve been getting through the tissues in an alarming rate 😆 learning to cry alone is slow … im learning. Xx
This is an education. I’m always embarrassed by the opposite situation: I’m just not a crier. I can only really cry if other people are crying - it’s a mirror response. I have never, ever cried in therapy because my therapist isn’t crying, so I just can’t. I’ve been called out on this by several therapists but they have to go first!
that’s so interesting and I was thinking of you today. I was recommended your new book by a random person in the Eurostar. I loved Wintering btw x
I’m trying to imagine life as a not-crier and I’m kind of jealous. It’s so interesting to hear how differently we all react to things.
Loved this. I cry ALL THE TIME.
I rarely cry. I used to get smacked as a kid for crying with the phrase ‘if you don’t stop crying I’ll give you something to cry for.’ and then got big time smacked, which made me cry more. So I learnt to not cry and turn it into anger. Probably not very healthy but hey ho. I wish I could cry more, I think it would help.
I had the same message and the same response.
I don’t think I could hate that parental illogic more. I suppose the reason is that the smacker is so emotionally dysregulated that they lash out but GRRRRRR. It makes me angry on behalf of small Tamsin.
Thank you. I never understood the logic either. I don’t like you crying so let me do something to you to make you cry more. Where is the sense in that? Small Tamsin thanks you and gives you a daisy.
I've been a crier for 80 years. The inability to turn off the water works, even when alone, is a bit of an embarrassment. When I was a psychotherapist I sat in dread steeling myself against joining the weeping client.
Oh wow, not crying in sessions must have been tough. “I’m feeling very moved by what you said” is the response I get from my therapist when we touching on tough stuff.
My counselor may never have joined me in shedding tears, but I have to say I used to appreciate the troubled look she would get on her face when I shared some of my more, er, "moving" stories. Realizing that after all I really had had reason to be upset was a step toward healing.
I so identify with this! An item on the news, a book, a film, music......and that's apart from other life events. If anyone else is in tears, I find it impossible not to join in.
Thanks for these words and images (especially Laura Kalman’s Flourish series - what a discovery!). I'm someone who cries very easily and I love how you described that moment between you and the student - shared vulnerability can be a powerful force of connection.
I loved this! I’m not much of a crier under normal circumstances but I have had a few intensely weepy periods of life - particularly the first few months after the births of my children and later, after the loss of my husband. I found I would well up often when it just wasn’t possible or practical to scarper off and have a proper ugly sob, so I got good at letting the tears fall silently in the middle of whatever I was doing, just to release the pressure. Driving home from the grocery store, in the middle of a yoga class, rocking a kid to sleep, making a sandwich. It helped.
When I was a kid, I used to fake cry for fun to scare my mom that something had happened. My cousins used to egg me on. But the only reason I could fake cry so easily is that the waterworks were always a tinge under the surface. One tiny poke, and out they came. I’m still like that, tears fall, sometimes just a small welling and others a full on sob. I cried all through grad school, women crying in the bathroom happened a lot, and I wished for a world where we wouldn’t have to hide our tears, no matter what the cause. Since my father passed, my tear ducts opened even wider, more time working from home has let them fall whenever, however. I haven’t feared their expression nearly as much as I used to. Even reading this made me well up a bit. Thank you for sharing, truly.
Thank you for reading! Your mentioning crying in the bathroom made me think of this: https://poetrysociety.org/poems/to-the-woman-crying-uncontrollably-in-the-next-stall
had the same experience early art college. many times. utterly hopeless & so frustrated!
love your writing.. ty 🩶
I wrote such a long essay and then got logged out. This is wonderful but please Rebecca don’t shy away from crying, especially in public. I think it’s an important and honest way of connecting with ofhers. I’ve just been moved to tears by the Rothko show in Paris that I came to alone - it’s wonderful and they were tears in acknowledgement of the sublime - we are small and the world is huge, our problems don’t matter. I have also shed a few tears and witnessed others doing so at the Lido and each time it’s been pretty special. Lots of salty watery love to you xxx
After spending years among people who thought (like you) that toilet paper is economical, and "real" paper handkerchiefs unfolding elegantly from a box are luxurious, I offer the term "circular tissue" as a possible euphemism. To be even more precise, some I once knew referred to it as "cylindrical tissue." But I think the first is funnier.
I used to be an easily embarrassed crier and still am at times (work place crying is a tricky one for sure) but I married a man who cries quite easily when we’re at home, watching, or listening to things, and it has helped me enormously. I have such respect for his ability to show and feel his emotions so it’s made me kinder about feeling mine.
I’ve spent most of the last 16 months crying more than I’ve ever cried in my life, and mostly like you in my therapists lounge. As she said to me, there are 52 years worth waiting to be shed. I’ve been getting through the tissues in an alarming rate 😆 learning to cry alone is slow … im learning. Xx